So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
