I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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