I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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