we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
