dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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