i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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