i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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