If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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