he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
