I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
