hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
