rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
