it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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