i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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