I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
