his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dignity is for republicans.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
