In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
