I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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