so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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