Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
