good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
