no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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