sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
