no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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