Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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