dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can't talk, ducks in the car
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
