What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
