He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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