Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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