my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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