new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
