My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He felt like a one man threesome
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
