knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
