Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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