the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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