If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
