I need help removing her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
