I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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