Swine flu. Run for my life!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
