Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
