: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
