So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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