she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
