Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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