then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
