Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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