There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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