dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
