2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
