He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
