so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
