Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
