You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i love accidental penises.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
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he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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