It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
