youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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